Mark McGwire to Join Cardinals as Hitting Coach

Well look who we have here! Normally, when a man decorated with 12-time All-Star selections, a World Series winner, a Gold Glove Award recipient and a man who became the new homerun king of the baseball world in 1998, you’d be happy. Until you realize it’s Mark McGwire. The man who stood before congress and adamantly stated he would help the youth of America resist the urge of performance enhancing drugs (and then did absolutely nothing) is now going to be the new batting coach for the St. Louis Cardinals.

I wonder what his first lesson is going to be? In fact, this is exactly the kind of words of wisdom that you can expect from McGwire:

“No way, Albert. There’s NO WAY you’re doing this without some help. What are you using? D-Bols? HGH? C’mon…you can tell me. Have you seen how good I am at keeping secrets?”

“Sorry, Colby. You actually can’t teach hand-eye coordination. What I can teach you is what to do with this self improvement kit! Nah, they’ll never find out if you’re doing anything. Trust me!”

“Seriously, Tony. I really don’t want to talk to the media. I’m not here to talk about the past. My lawyers have advised me that I cannot answer these questions without jeopardizing my friends, my family and myself. I will say, however, that it remains a fact in this country that a man, any man, should be regarded innocent unless proven guilty.”

“Screw you, Pujols! Pee in this cup right now! I WANT TO WATCH YOU PEE IN THIS CUP IN FRONT OF MY VERY EYES!”

Tony LaRussa, the man responsible for brining Mark back in to the public spotlight, has highlighted that he wants the slugger/cheater to impart his special talents upon the current roster. I’m not sure what “special talents” he wants the Cardinals to learn, other than cheating without getting caught. I also don’t see why LaRussa would bring in a media nightmare on to a team that is the verge of making something very special. This is the kind of distraction that the Cardinals didn’t want or need.

I thought the role of the manager was to help his team win games. I didn’t think that brining in a guy who will make the blood-thirsty media froth at the mouth was a tactic along those lines. LaRussa did not immediately return a phone call inquiring as to whether he was going to bring in Sammy Sosa as the equipment manager.