in NBA Articles
Top-10 Reasons Lakers Won’t Make The NBA Championship
by Tim Furious
So I finished writing this article on top-10 reasons why the Lakers were going to win back all the money funneled behind them in the NBA futures to win Western Conference Champs...then realized that I’m an idiot.
Ok, so I realized that a billion years ago when I nearly burnt my house down trying to microwave a pizza pocket for the first time (I read 1 1/2 as 11 1/2 and was so bored of watching the damn thing spin in the magical box of awesome that I went downstairs to watch TV). Seriously though, if the Lakers have ten reasons why they’re the best championship contender going right now, then I got ten reasons why they ain’t.
The two sides of my brain were so conflicted about my efforts of self-contradiction that I had an epileptic seizure. During my hazy coma, my subconscious enlightened me to these hard truths about the Lakers and why I shouldn’t be banking on them as my NBA futures bet.
10. No Trevor Ariza
Nobody on the Lakers was more prepared to be the next Scottie Pippin. The stats line from the post season list just 11.3 points and 4.2 rebounds per game, but it was Ariza’s unselfishness that made him the perfect compliment to Kobe Bryant. He never complained or caused a stir…and if things get chippy for the Lakers they’ll regret not keeping a few Indians around when they have so many chiefs.
9. Brandon Roy Is Hungry
The Trailblazers are a dangerous, young squad with a couple strong big men and Brandon Roy, perhaps one of the best clutch shooters in the NBA. But motivating kids is a tough call to arms…especially when you paid them all this summer for accomplishing nothing as a team.
8. Derek Fisher Plays Like He’s 35 Years Old
I think Fisher’s proven that he can play in pressure situations, if not excel at them. But what happens if his age catches up with him. I’m sorry but Jordan Farmar is not the answer at the point. His production has been virtually cut in half this year (10.8 points in 2007/8 to 5.9 this year) and it’s not like he’s going to get any younger. There’s a crop of skilled, young point-guards in the league that can dance circles around Fisher and the Lakers haven’t even remotely tried to invest in someone to replace him. Either they have that much faith in Fisher, or they’re overlooking his age based on his resume.
7. Kobe Bryant Hates Andrew Bynum
Kobe lambasted Bynum in a video recorded by some idiot douchebag in a grocery store parking lot, and then followed up his pot shots by taking Bynum out himself with an inadvertent chop block. Honestly, whether it’s just fate or intent, Bryant somehow finds a way to stab Bynum every chance he gets. Something weird will happen this year to Bynum, but the Lakers have to hope that the big boy will be back in time for the playoffs just like he was last year. Never underestimate how much Kobe loves white girls from Utah, and loathes the existence of Andrew Bynum.
6. The Nuggets Are Pissed
The Nuggets know they blew their chance last season, and it’s haunting them this season. Oddsmakers are trying to peg them properly in NBA sports betting circles (they’re just 5-5 ATS this season so far), but if the Lakers run in to a vindictive Nuggets team then they’re in for a shock. Think of it this way, if you could name the starting roster you’d least like to run in to in a dark alley, it would be the Nuggets. This includes the Lakers who have a rapist in their midst.
5. Ron Artest Is A Psychopath
Does anyone know the real reason that Ron Artest left the Houston Rockets? I hear there’s a rumor that he was late for Game 7 in the Lakers-Rockets tilt last year and had to catch the owner’s bus to the game…in his underwear. The owner was so annoyed by his antics that he was in no way going to pay Artest to stay with the Rockets. The weird part is that no part of me was surprised by this at all. Like, at all.
4. Ron Artest Isn’t A Psychopath
One of the things that made Ron so good is that he plays with a level of ruthless aggression that nobody else can match. What if the Zen Master gets to him too much and he tries to find his soul in the whispering willows of Jackson’s elderly wisdom, forgetting the killer passion that made him a star? What if he becomes a freaking monk? This is Ron Artest we’re talking about. Did you even read the last paragraph? You’re telling me that him becoming a vegan isn’t completely out of the question?
3. Khloe Kardashian Divorces Lamar Odom
It’s meant to be a play on “succubus”, but you get the idea. Lamar Odom went from being a guy who simply takes nights off for no apparent reason and a travelling journeyman, to a wannabe reality star over night. Oddsmakers have pegged this marriage to last ten whole months and if that’s true then this marriage is going kaput right around playoff time. Odom is integral to the success of the Lakers, which is why they inflated their salary cap to retain him…but if he’s too busy being Tom Arnold to his Roseanne, then he’s going to forget to be the “Robin” to Kobe’s “Batman”.
2. Pau Gasol’s Legs Fall Off
Mileage. I’ve been saying that big men need to take at least three-months off every year, yet there Pau was destroying his legs throughout the Euroball tournament this summer. Hope it was worth it because Pau is already starting to show some ill-effects from the miles his piled on his tree trunks. If he goes down with anything serious, or is slowed in the slightest, the Lakers’ chances go right to the shelf with him.
1. San Antonio Spurs
Really there’s no other reason that the Lakers can’t win it. They’re deep in every area of the game, have a spectacular bench and Kobe Bryant. But if any team out there has a legitimate shot at thwarting them, it’s Popovich and the Spurs. Duncan, Parker, Ginobli, Blair, Mason and Jefferson can cause the upset…as long as they don’t get injured.
