Green Bay Packers (+500)
Is it me or did everyone forget that Green Bay nearly went perfect this season? This is as solid of a bet as you can make in Pro Football betting. They have everyone coming back, and they'll do everything in their power to give Aaron Rodgers a decent running back.
New England Patriots (+500)
A lot of people are trying to say that New England losing the Super Bowl is the "best thing that could've happened to the franchise and Tom Brady". You know what would've been the best thing for this team? WINNING THE SUPER BOWL TWO WEEKS AGO!
New Orleans Saints (+750)
The Saints have a dazzling offense that is highlighted by a pretty productive running game, but they're not nearly as dominant on the ground as you think.
Houston Texans (+1000)
Matt Schaub was in a boot when the playoffs began. Andre Johnson will be in a boot by Week 10.
Baltimore Ravens (+1200)
Joe Flacco is about to destroy the chemistry of this team. Mark my words. He wants to get paid and the Ravens aren't convinced that he's their guy. How great is it that the league's most boring quarterback has an astoundingly uninspiring name and went to the University of Delaware?
Philadelphia Eagles (+1200)
Boy, the Eagles must be glad the New York Jets were a comedic calamity of epic proportions because this team wet the bed something fierce last season. Three reasons not to bet on this team: Michael Vick can't stay healthy, DeSean Jackson is as cancerous as Santonio Holmes and not nearly as productive and, of course, Andy Reid is still the head coach. Speaking of which…
San Diego Chargers (+1600)
Norv Turner everybody! I don't get it either. The Chargers are always at the top of the heap for some reason when it comes to Super Bowl futures, because everyone thinks that they're due for whatever reason. If you've taken this bet in the last five years you know how it turns out. Just skip a step and burn the money. Actually, donate it to charity. Ok fine, just burn it.
New York Giants (+1600)
Hell yeah, I'm in! Eli Manning and Tom Coughlin are a proven duo (two rings, suckers!) and the defense is getting better and better each year. They know their weaknesses, and Coughlin knows how to plug 'em. The oddsmakers hate the Giants, which is why they were underdogs in the Super Bowl and +1600 longshots here. Bet away, friends.
Atlanta Falcons (+1800)
You might as well keep calling him "Matty Ice" because he loves to go cold in the playoffs.
Detroit Lions (+2000)
I love this bet. Twenty-to-one odds on Matthew Stafford, The Disassembly Line and the best receiver in the game? They know they need help on defense, and sure they can't afford it, but these are as tasty as odds get.
Dallas Cowboys (+2000)
As long as Tony Romo's the quarterback, there is no way in hell I feel comfortable betting on the Cowboys in the long run. I could write 10,000 words about this. I probably will soon.
San Francisco 49ers (+2000)
Nobody saw them coming in 2011. Everyone will see them coming in 2012. I wish I had said the same thing about Katherine Heigl in 2007.
New York Jets (+2000)
With Rex Ryan's record in guarantees, he should promise that his team implodes again and doesn't make the playoffs.
Chicago Bears (+3000)
Jay Cutler went from Mike Martz to Mike Tice. Excuse me if I don't find that enticing. Pun intended. Also, pun terrible.
Cincinnati Bengals (+3000)
The Bengals went from dysfunctional to dynamite in one off-season. Now they have to hold off the sophomore slump for their two key offensive players and hope to goodness they can find a replacement for Cedric Benson.
Miami Dolphins (+3500)
Arizona Cardinal (+3500)
Tennessee Titans (+3500)
If you believe those crazy rumors that Peyton Manning is going to Arizona, Miami or Tennessee (where he played university ball) then why not throw a flier at this? I'll tell you why: because he's not going to any of these teams!
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+7500)
New coach. Good quarterback. A rookie stud forthcoming in the draft (probably and hopefully Trent Richardson). About $60M to spend in free agency. Read that again in a Dr. Evil voice: sixty million dollars.
A lot of why they floundered has to do with Gerald McCoy going down with an injury. If he stays upright, this team has a fighting chance if they play their cards right in the free agent market. I know it's not a great bet, or even a smart bet. But it's a bet. A real, actual bet.
Seattle Seahawks (+4000)
It's a quarterback's league and last time I checked, their quarterbacks were Tavaris Jackson and Charlie Whitehurst. I know everyone thought it couldn't get worse than Seneca Wallace, but it did.
Denver Broncos (+4000)
The oddsmakers set it at +4000 because that's how many articles people will write about Tim Tebow per week in the 2012 season.
Carolina Panthers (+4000)
I'm not saying that Cam Newton is crazy or anything, because that had a lot to do with the person I'm about to compare him to, but everything they said about Newton they said about Vince Young back in the day. And look where that got the Titans.
Indianapolis Colts (+5000)
Probably the most intriguing bet of them all. Andrew Luck is still coming to town and he's supposed to be the next big thing at quarterback. Sure we said the same thing about JaMarcus Russell, Akili Smith, Rich Campbell, Heath Shuler, Tim Couch, Ryan Leaf, Jeff George, Todd Marinovich and David Carr but he's supposedly REALLY REALLY good. That or they have Manning back after three neck surgeries with a lack of arm strength. Forget what I said. This isn't an intriguing bet at all. It's a bad one.
Oakland Raiders (+5000)
Don't worry, Raider fans! You still have Terrelle Pryor! We don't know if he's good or terrible yet! There's hope!
Washington Redskins (+6000)
I can't explain why because I don't know, but it's not even fun to joke about how bad the Redskins are anymore.
Minnesota Vikings (+7500)
Talk to me in four years. And after that, talk to me in another four years.
Buffalo Bills (+7500)
This has a lot less to do with how bad Buffalo actually is, and much more to do with the fact they still play in the AFC East with the Jets and Patriots.
St. Louis Rams (+7500)
I'm still on the Sam Bradford train, and if he's throwing to Justin Blackmon with Steven Jackson running over people out of the backfield, I'll be watching a lot of their games. Until Blackmon's secured, which he likely is, this is a no-no bet. And yes, it's a plausible bet to make because they play in the NFC West. Look at the Niners, for Goodness sake.
Jacksonville Jaguars (+10000)
Blaine Gabbert over Tim Tebow would go down as the worst decision in team history if anyone on the planet cared enough about their team history to keep track of it.
Cleveland Browns (+10000)
To be fair, this was probably +7500 until they signed Brad Childress as their offensive coordinator.