in NFL Free Picks

At 15-18-3, I feel like my chances of having a winning record by year’s end are going down faster than Paris Hilton in a men’s league locker room. Getting just one game right last week was certainly a kick to the groin. I’m gonna call this week my Viagra week, as I get up once again, like old times, and stay up. Like stock prices in industries of death after Republican election victories, my record will rise once again. I wish the best to my challengers, Marc and Ox.

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS -1 vs. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS +1

The Saints might have a better overall team than the Buccaneers do, with all due respect to Jon Gruden’s crew. At home, though, the Bucs are playing better than they are and, on the road, the Saints are not very good. Sure they beat Cleveland and Green Bay on the road to start the year off on a high note, but that isn’t saying very much. The Buccaneers will show their strong selves this week at home. Like Rush Limbaugh at a convention of humans who are not dumb-asses, the Saints will want to leave before this show is over.

PREDICTION: Bucs to cover

DALLAS COWBOYS -3 vs. WASHINGTON REDSKINS +3

I can’t see myself taking the Redskins on any spread this season as I never seem to know which team is going to show up on either side of the ball. I do know, however, that if the Titans can waltz out of the nation’s capitol with a W, the ever-luvin’, full-on kissin’ Cowboys can certainly do the same, with emphasis. What’s the Over/Under on how many player-Parcells kisses will happen during this week’s romp? I say three…and I just puked a little bit in my mouth.

PREDICTION: Cowboys to cover

DENVER BRONCOS +3 vs. PITTSBURGH STEELERS -3

When I first thought about this game, I thought for sure Denver would be four to six point favorites coming into Heinz field. Sure, Indy exposed some defensive weaknesses, but the Steelers, friends, are decidedly not the Colts, although they do have a better defense. That being said, the Broncos might have a hard time putting up many points on Pittsburgh, but they won’t have to if Cowher does what he seems intent on doing and allows Big Ben to play while he is still, painfully and obviously, slowed by the effects of banging his head more times this year than Tom Araya in a Slayer show.

PREDICTION: Broncos to cover

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS +3 vs. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS -3

Monkey on Peyton’s back? What monkey? Oh, you mean the one he used to have hanging there when playing New England, especially in Gillette Stadium? The one that was always chewing up his “BEST EVER” crown? That’s the one all right. You’ll see it perched on Manning’s shoulder, feeling ever-so-back-at-home and chewing once more after this Sunday night’s matchup for the number one spot in everyone’s AFC rankings, as the Pats leapfrog themselves on top of the heap with a win that won’t be as close as most are anticipating.

PREDICTION: Pats to cover