You’d like to believe that getting laid in Las Vegas would be a total no brainer.  

Bright lights, all-you-can-eat buffets, 24 hour clubs and casinos, all the liquor you can’t handle plus drunk-drunkity-drunk-drunk hot, big-boobed babes everywhere with their beer goggles on, enough said right?



The tagline “What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas” is quite clever.

Too many times failed warriors return home with their heads stuck up their assess and nothing but their pork swords in their hands, broke as a joke and with nothing to show for their pathetic efforts at scoring those beautiful golden goose eggs in the promised land of Vegas at least more than once, not counting the hookers.

Seriously, what do you think you’re in Vegas for - milk and cookies?  Your Mama ain’t gonna serve it to you for free, so you better know how to work it if you really want to experience the best that Vegas has to offer for free and we’re not talking about the helicopter rides with hookers  either.

So here’s 10 ways for you to get laid in Vegas for FREE!  Really all you have to do is pretend you’re someone you’re not.   Okay, that’s only 1 way, but here are 10 different people you can pretend to be.

And you won’t have to keep your escapades in Vegas, because now you’ll actually have something worth telling people.

  1. Pretend you’re a Douchebag from that Jersey Shore Show.

This one is easy because there is such an over-abundance of Guidettes searching for their dream -- fist-pumping, blown out, juiced up, fake tanned Guidos in all the clubs in Vegas these days.  And don’t worry if you don’t look like a traditional Douchebag  because, remember, Douchebags come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

It’s all in the attitude, blow outs and Ed Hardy shirts you wear.  And you just have to tell the babes that you’re the new guy on the show, but MTV hasn’t announced it yet because you are supposed to be the surprise cast member.  If you’re still confused here, follow this guy’s example to true douchery.

(You know you wanna piece of this sweet Douche pie.)

    2. Pretend you’re a Big Porn Star at the Porn Expo.

Maybe your Mama tells you that size doesn’t matter, but here’s a reality check for you.  IT DOES for babes in Vegas!  And what better way to casually hint at your well-endowments to the ladies then by telling them you are a big porn star here in Vegas to guest speak or co-host the yearly Porn Expo?

The babes might try to play all innocent by telling you they know nothing about porn, but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that there are rarely men in the biz with teenie-weenies. 

And what babe in Vegas wouldn’t want to sleep with a porn star?  Can you see how many “My Top 5 Men to Do in my Life” checklists are being checked off here?  So let them take that home to the bank with you laughing the whole way to her hotel room.

(You don’t actually think these babes are bowing down to him because he’s hot, do you?)

    3. Pretend you’re a Rich, Geeky Nerd Guest Speaker at the Consumer Electronics Show.

There is no denying it, geeks and nerds are hot, hot, hot commodities these days because they rule the world.  All chicks think Erkle is cute and McLovin’ is God.  Michael Cera’s success is not a fluke and there isn’t a babe on the planet who wouldn’t let Bill Gates poke her. 

Men with that Emo Geek Chic “je ne sais quoi” make the ladies go crazy with wild abandon and they feel safe with you too because if you really are a nerd, she could probably kick the crap out of you. 

So if you tell her you’re a nerd who’s a really big and elaborate component CES, she’ll jump down your pants with delusions of making it big time with some rich nerd who will sweep her of her feet and carry her off into a silicon sunset.

(Everybody knows Nerds are good in bed!)

    4. Pretend you’re a Klingon from the Star Trek: The Experience Show.

Any babe in Vegas who is drunk enough will be completely turned on by the male virility that seeps from a Klingon’s very soul.  It must be the forehead bumps or something.

In any case, get your Klingon gear on and start running around Las Vegas roaring in the clubs and casinos and be amazed at how quickly you get laid.  Remember to tell you friends how this one worked out.

(***Sign not included with costume***)

    5. Pretend you’re Roy’s Replacement in Siegfried and Roy.

This would be a good one to use when you try to score with all the drunken cougars.  First, because they actually know who these guys are.  Second, cougars love the tigers and cat fur and all that kinky stuff.  And third, real women will think you really know how to handle the pussy (cats).  MEOW!

(We’re Grrrrrreat!)

    6. Pretend you’re a Cirque du Soleil Star Performer.

With so many Cirque du Soleil shows on the Las Vegas strip, you can easily imagine how many performers there are in Las Vegas.  So, you could conveniently pretend to be a Cirque dude and get away with it and your prey would never know better.

The only weird thing you’d have to do is wear the tights.  Because really for the babes it’s all about the showing off your front and back-end goods with those silly tights the performers commonly wear.  Use a pair of tube socks and extra padding if you have to here.

And don’t dress up like one of those Cirque clown performers.  Clowns don’t get laid.

(Every woman in Vegas would want to do the nasty with these guys.)

    7. Pretend you’re a Pimp Who’s Looking for His Ho.

No pimp in this great universe ever has to actually pay his women for sex.  Ever.  You could tell your prey you are recruiting and need to check her goods to make sure she’s fully functional.  Bear in mind here that you have to be a bit of a Player to pull this off smoothly and slap-free.

Like Girls Gone Wild, there are way too many inebriated women at the clubs and bars, who in a moment of total and complete insanity will convince themselves that it’s okay to pretend to be a hooker for just one night as long as they don’t really take the money.  And if you were a real pimp, you wouldn’t pay ‘em anyway.

("It ain't easy, man. It might look glamour-like to ya, cuz ya see me riiiidin'...ya dig?”)

    8. Pretend you’re Wayne Newton.

This one is debatable, but worth a shot.  After all, Wayne Newton is a legend and god in Vegas in his own right.  All you need is slicked back hair, a good suit and lots of botox.

True, you probably don’t know anyone who actually wants to be him, but if you are really desperate to get laid it just might be the thing that helps you land the ladies due to the stupidity of it all.  Because ladies do like men with a good sense of humor.

(If SHE can look like him, YOU can too!)

    9. Pretend you’re a Hugely Successful Bookie.

You see it in the movies all the time.  Hot, successful Las Vegas bookies and high rollers alike get all the beautiful women.  The reason for this is simple.  Las Vegas women love anything that has to do with money.  Women also love the whole bad-boy image Bookies seem to get –you know, that whole dark and mysterious thing.

The trick is to get these babes without actually spending a dime.  Show off your skills at the hottest Sportsbook around and flaunt your money as often as you can and without actually spending anything.   And this is where the gift of illusion and smooth plays take the cake.  So proceed here with caution if you don’t know how to keep a firm grip on your cold, hard cash in the presence of a pair of boobs.

(“B” is also for BABES and BIG BREASTS!)

    10. Pretend you’re the Best Elvis Impersonator in all of Las Vegas.

What woman wouldn’t want to get laid with a really good Elvis impersonator at least once?  Key thing here is to be a good one with the lip twitch and everything.  You’ll want to be the hot Elvis in his prime and not the fat one.


Remember the key here is to be someone you are not to trick the other sex into thinking you are cool enough for them to actually have sex with you.  Put yourself in their shoes – who would you sleep with if you were a super hot babe?  In any case, give one of these a try – because even if you don’t get any nookie, you’ll get the hot girl’s attention at the very least, which in many cases is already a huge improvement from getting nothing at all!