The 2012 Grammy Awards are this Sunday and, because we don’t just stick to games played on wooden and clay courts or grassy fields, the sportsbook is offering odds on nominees in the top four categories.
Before getting started, it’s important to point out that unlike the Golden Eunuch Awards, the award for Record of the Year and Album of the Year only have 5 nominees each, not like the 10 nominees for the top Golden Eunuch. By the way, once the Golden Eunies do roll around, it sure looks like they want to give one of them this year to that Irish kid from that hospital show that used to be on air, doesn’t it? And, the Golden Eunies’ nomination committee picked a silent film for a few awards. Sounds have been around forever. Guys…what happened? Did you receive your ballot via carrier pigeon?
Back to the music!
2012 Grammy Awards
When: Feb 12, 2012
Where: Staples Center, Land of Fruits and Nuts, California
Best New Artist
The Band Perry +300
Bon Iver +250
J. Cole +600
Nicki Minaj -160
Analysis: Skrillex should win just because, not only is the guy creative, but he also looks like he could double for the lead in that weird John Carter flick, which isn’t about an insurance salesman from Tanzania…which really confused me the first time I saw the preview…anyhow…
Skrillex won’t win. Why? Because I doubt anybody that hands out these things even really know who, or what, a Skrillex is. They just include some new artists so they don’t feel old.
The Band Perry? I like Neil. That’s the one who tries to look like Bob Dylan the way Da Bob dressed and appeared between scintillating albums Street Legal and Empire Burlesque. Bon Iver? The dude is talented, which means he probably won’t win either, and he refuses to perform on the show. Dude is toast.
I actually went down to the Glendale Galleria over here in Cali to pick up a pair of J. Cole’s...or, were those Kenneth Coles? In either case, J. Cole won’t win because everybody and their mother who was born in the 1960’s loves Niki Minaj. She’s from Trinidad & Tobago, making her cool automatically without opening her mouth to utter a single note, and she’s a female rapper, another thing that makes her cool automatically.
Pick: Niki Minaj
Song of the Year
All Of The Lights – Kanye West, Rihanna, Kid Cudi +300
The Cave – Mumford and Sons +900
Grenade – Bruno Mars +2000
Holocene – Bon Iver +2200
Rolling In The Deep – Adele -700
Analysis: Have you heard All Of The Lights? It took a team of musical geniuses to get that thing together? I guess, it’s time to pick up the fake, nylon-stringed strat, I bought down on 3rd Street again. The lyrics to The Cave have nothing to do with Plato’s famous allegory. You missed one there, Mumford and Sons! Grenade? Really? Hey, Bruno, you couldn’t come up with a better reference and name for your song than something from the Vietnam War? The Military Industrial Complex has made great strides since 1970, buddy.
I like how the Bobster (I’ve got plenty of different names for Mr. Dylan) made it so that you could virtually just throw lyrics into an actual song to make that song good. It’s almost like because Desolation Row really is poetry, you can just decide on putting the name of a city or ridiculous holiday into a tune and all of a sudden you’re freakin’ song makes you T.S. Elliot. Check out Holocene. You’re laying waste to Halloween? You’re in Milwaukee, off your feet? I’ll take Living on a Prayer any day, Bon Iver! This one’s easy.
Pick: Rolling In The Deep – Adele
Album of the Year
21 - Adele -1200
Wasting Light – Foo Fighters +1000
Born This Way – Lady Gaga +1000
Do-Wops and Hooligans – Bruno Mars +700
Loud - Rihanna +2200
Analysis: Getting nominated is enough…right, Rihanna? Gaga, we all know that you were born that way. If only you were born in a way that meant this record wouldn’t suck. The Foo Fighters are considered one of the best bands around, and David Grohl is cool because he showed up in a cameo appearance on the best show on television, After Lately, but the Foo won’t win.
Bruno, you’re killing me. Just because you slap some pop crap onto songs that you wish were Sam Cooke’s, doesn’t make you Sam Cooke. Grohl said that Adele’s album is why God created British chicks with nice voices (well, not really, but something to that affect). Hey, if Grohl likes it, and every single woman I know likes it, I guess that I have to.
Pick: 21 – Adele
Record of the Year
Rolling In The Deep – Adele -800
Holocene – Bon Iver +1200
Grenade – Bruno Mars +700
The Cave – Mumford and Sons +650
Firework – Katy Perry +1500
Analysis: Starting to sense a trend? Mumford and Sons is what happened after a threesome among Eddie “King of the Banjo” Peabody, Big Mama Thornton, and Cisco Houston. They’re awesome…and they won’t win. Do I need to come up with some wisecrack regarding Bruno Mars again? I didn’t think so. Katy Perry was a cool chick but now that she dumped that dude who went to the Greek, I can’t cosign on her winning this. I had a hallucination that people who really know music took Holocene as serious as Bon Iver takes himself. It was a nightmare. Adele, you’re a woman who can sing and you’re British. Well, actually, all you have to do is be British in order to win Grammies.
In the words of the legendary Stan Lee, “Nuff said!”
Pick: Rolling In The Deep – Adele