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ENTERTAINMENT | Nov 28

Hot Pockets: The Hottest NBA Players

I May Have Melted Down to a Puddle While Writing This

Hot Pockets: The Hottest NBA Players
Jonas Valanciunas #17 of the New Orleans Pelicans | Jonathan Bachman/Getty Images/AFP

Off the Charts Hotness 📈🔥

If [Booker’s] good enough for the hottest of the Kardashian/Jenner clan, he’s good enough for me…

A key component of writing these articles is to enjoy the task at hand, and given the content of this one, I’m not sure how I’ll manage.

Falling in love with men I’ll never meet has brought me nothing but anguish and resentment. After researching my last Hot Pockets article, I genuinely started to develop feelings for an NFL player. Those feelings have only just begun to subside, and now I’m at it again.

I know I begged for this opportunity, but I am not sure I’m mentally strong enough to learn about the hottest athletes and not erect entire fantasy worlds around them. BetUS, I’ll be sending you my therapy bill for the inevitable delusions I’ll have to work through after ranking the hottest NBA players today.

(This is a joke. Please keep sending me these assignments. They are making me a better person, I pinky promise 🫶)

And readers, before you start commenting on how insane I am, just know I’m aware and am keeping a close eye on it.

 

5. Jonas Valanciunas

Fifth on our list is New Orleans Pelican Center Jonas Valanciunas. Remember the aforementioned NFL player I accidentally fell in love with? Well, it makes sense why Valanciunas is on my list since according to Travis Kelce himself, the NBA star is his “long lost brother.”

This oak tree of a man is seven feet and 265 pounds of Lithuanian sexiness. I’ll confess: I was entirely in the dark about this man before researching this article. I might be giving away too much, but to be honest, I didn’t even know the New Orleans Pelicans existed. But now, I might be their number one fan.

(Someone please send me this pillow for Christmas)

 

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A post shared by Jonas Valanciunas (@jvalanciunas)

4. Devin Booker

Coming in fourth is Phoenix Suns shooting guard Devin Booker. This man got on my radar back in 2020 when he made celebrity news for dating Kendall Jenner. She attended many NBA games to support her man at the time.

My reasoning for putting him on the list is simple: if he’s good enough for the hottest of the Kardashian/Jenner clan, he’s good enough for me. Those gentle brown eyes don’t hurt his case, either.

 

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A post shared by Book (@dbook)

3. Jimmy Butler

Miami Heat center Jimmy Butler is third on our list. I have so much to say about my emo king. This NBA superstar stole my heart when he made NBA news by coming to media day dressed in emo attire, and now, the more I learn about him, the more I fall in love.

He is one of those men that get hotter and hotter as you peel back the layers. The six-time All-Star recently revealed in an interview with Rolling Stone that he wants to pursue country music after his basketball career. In my opinion, a man who loves country music knows how to love a woman.

Honestly, I would marry this man even if he had no money to his name.

 

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A post shared by Jimmy Butler (@jimmybutler)

2. Kelly Oubre Jr.

In the number two spot is Philadelphia 76ers shooting guard Kelly Oubre Jr. This man is objectively so damn hot. From the charming sparkle in his eyes and the confidence he exudes, to his perfect hair and the balanced structure of his facial features.

The section below is for Kelly Oubre Jr.’s eyes only. Readers that aren’t the 76ers shooting guard, please just continue onto our #1 pick. I appreciate your cooperation. Thank you.

Kelly: Please check your DMs. You got me driving to the vet’s office to have the dog in me euthanized. You got me researching how to get an NBA player to fall in love with you without a BBL. You got me ordering “The Surrendered Wife” on Amazon. I’m here if you’ll have me. I love you.

1. Kevin Love

Our number one pick, the absolute hottest NBA player, is Kevin Love of the Miami Heat. This man is a seven-foot-tall, blue-eyed, dark-haired god–made entirely of husband material.

Unfortunately, I fell in love with him before finding out he is happily married to a very beautiful model.

 

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A post shared by Hamptons Magazine (@hamptonsmag)


Still, that didn’t stop me from researching all about this man. Through my sleuthing, I found out that Love became a massive mental health advocate after experiencing a panic attack six years ago when he played for the Cleveland Cavaliers.

What I gleaned from this is that not only is this man hot as f*ck, he’s adept at understanding mental health struggles, which would make him the perfect husband to any girlies out there with mental health issues. Psychotic fits of rage because your clothes don’t fit right? This man would be right by your side to co-regulate and do breathing techniques with you.

 

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A post shared by Kevin Love (@kevinlove)

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