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MORE SPORTS | Apr 19

Ranking the Coyotes’ Possible Names From Best to Worst

Coming Up With a Mormon-Friendly Name Is Hard

Ranking the Coyotes’ Possible Names From Best to Worst
Goaltender Karel Vejmelka #70 of the Arizona Coyotes -Christian Petersen/Getty Images/AFP

The Utah Somethings!

We have the first part of the name. We don’t have the last. – Ryan Smith

The NHL playoffs are just about to get underway but there’s another breaking NHL news story, the name of the newest NHL entry hailing from Mormon Country. Let’s take a peek at what we believe are the names in the running for this Utah franchise.

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Let’s Welcome the Utah…

The Arizona Coyotes are no more as the owner of the now defunct franchise, Alex Meruelo, has sold out to the NBA’s Utah Jazz owner, Ryan Smith. But in a unique twist to the deal, Meruelo has retained the rights to the name, intellectual property, and historical records of the Coyotes hockey club.


No, Meruelo’s not a lovelorn fan, he’s simply a businessman who will try to resurrect the Coyotes after purchasing land somewhere in the desert to buy a new arena. But that’s a story for another day as we are focusing on the name of this Utah franchise based in Salt Lake.

“We’ll start with Utah on the jersey and we’ll figure out the logo and everything else and what it is that we are,” Smith told The Associated Press on Thursday. “We’re going to be Utah either way. We have the first part of the name. We don’t have the last.”


We are confining our choices to the five names that were recently registered at the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office which are: Utah Blizzard, Utah Venom, Utah Fury, Utah HC, and Utah Hockey Club. So, without further ado, let’s rank these names in order.

 

Utah Venom

I like it although I’m not sure the name fits with the ultra-religious landscape that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints calls home. Speaking of which, perhaps the Saints would be a more appropriate name and their logo could be “Show Me a Woman Who Shows Her Ankles and I’ll Show You a Whøre.”

 

Utah Fury

Here’s another one that could easily pass as a perfectly respectable name for a Stanley Cup-contending team. And more to the point, it acts as a subliminal reminder that the fury of the Lord is omnipresent so go easy on the suds, bud.

Maybe they could even have a sign behind every beer stand quoting the great Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction, “And You Will Know My Name Is the Lord When I Lay My Vengeance Upon You!” Although, most in Utah will know that quote from an earlier source, Ezekiel 25:17.

 

Utah Blizzard

When I think blizzard, I’m thinking lines and lines of blow. A guy walks into a party and starts spilling the old Bolivian marching powder, chicks start losing their tops, dudes start losing their minds, and before you know it, there’s a midget riding a billy goat and it all seems perfectly normal. No, this is not a good fit for Utah.

 

Utah Hockey Club

If none of these names fit the bill, then Smith has reserved the right to use a placeholder name for next season, ala the Washington Redskins morphing to the Washington Football Club before settling on the Washington Commanders. This is the placeholder name, not the permanent name – not now, not ever.

 

 Utah HC

Oh, puh-leeeze. Can Smith and every other billionaire owner that’s trying to rip off the soccer clubs by substituting HC for FC just stop it? I don’t even know why the soccer teams use FC in the first place.

So, you’re watching a game between Manchester United and Liverpool but you’re unsure what sport they’re playing. There are 22 dudes running after a black and white ball with wide-ass nets but just who are these teams and what sport are they playing? Oh, wait. It says FC, meaning Futbol, Football, or however you want to spell it – Club.

Well holy hell, thank the good lord above that some prescient genius had the intellectual wherewithal to foresee what a conundrum this would be for the great unwashed masses. Ah, FC, that must stand for football club!

Well, bloody good, let’s grab a pint and toast to the mental giant who served as a beacon of light in our hour of cerebral darkness. Just piss off, will you?!

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