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NBA | Jun 18

NBA Finals: Green. Is. Everywhere!

Led by Jayson Tatum, the Celtics Absolutely Destroyed the Mavericks in Game 5 of the NBA Finals

NBA Finals: Green. Is. Everywhere!
Jayson Tatum #0 of the Boston Celtics/Adam Glanzman/Getty Images/AFP

No. 18 💍

Kiss the ring, b*tches!

The Boston Celtics rebounded from one of their worst playoff performances in memory and roared back with a dominating, 106-88, Game 5 NBA Finals victory to claim their first world championship since 2008, exactly 16 years ago to the day!

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Bow to the New Kings

Kiss the ring, b*tches! That’s right, the Celtics made NBA news and blew the doors off the Mavericks just like I knew they would. I predicted a 111-97 victory but I guess I gave Dallas just a wee bit too much credit. This Celtics game had everything you’d want if you’re a Celtics fan, except, of course, a legitimate opponent. Oh, before I forget…Kyrie sucks.

Now listen, here’s a little advice to all the Mavericks fans out there. You can visit Pity City but ya just can’t live there! Two snaps up and a twist around the world! Nah, I’m just kidding, I don’t give a sh*t where you live. Let’s face it, if you’re a Mavs fan you probably live in or around Dallas so you’re in hell anyway.

And as if I didn’t have this series down cold, I even told you who would win the NBA Finals MVP before the series began. The smartest mofo on the court won it, that’s who, and Jaylen Brown’s stats speak for themselves.

But this Celtics championship edition is much more than one or two players carrying the team. Brown and Tatum, or Tatum and Brown, pick your Batman and Robin because this dynamic duo can do it all. They don’t care who gets the credit or the glory because winning is their endgame. Refreshing, right?


Unsung Heroes

Imagine that Jrue Holiday, a 6x NBA All-Defensive Team specialist, a 2x All-Star, and now a 3x world champion is arguably the fourth or fifth-best player on this Celtics’ roster. That’s why the C’s were the top team during the regular season and won the whole motha f*ckin enchilada in the postseason.

And this is not a prissy bunch of divas who don’t know how to get their hands dirty. Derrick White was spittin’ chiclets after he fell to the floor in a collision with Dereck Lively but this man takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’. He got up, realized he cracked a few teeth and all he did was spike a three-pointer shortly thereafter. Who’s better than DW?

Or how about Kristaps Porzingis? I call him KP but you can call him a world champion. This 7’2” unicorn has been injured throughout most of the playoffs but he saddled up for one more rodeo and his presence not only ignited the crowd but his teammates as well. That’s one ballsy dude.

Oh, did I fail to mention Old Man Horford? This dude is 38 and he’s supposed to come off the bench, give Porzingis a breather, and get the hell off the court. But no, KP was out and Horford played like an angry old man yelling at those sons of b*tches to get off his lawn. Love it.

And how about the spare parts? Payton Pritchard hits a half-court shot at the buzzer to put the dagger right through the hearts of the Mavericks. It was the only shot he took all night but it was money, honey. And then there’s Sam Hauser who put in 17 minutes of grunt work which was just enough time for him to nail a few three-pointers and suck the soul right out of the Mavs.

My friends, outside of Horford this is a young team that will be together for a good long time. The Green Machine is not going away so you better get used to seeing them around this time of the season for the next several years. Don’t hate us cuz you ain’t us. Just jump aboard the bandwagon, we’ll make room for you.

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